So... long time, no write

I'm thinking I should start writing a bit more. Now that I'm past the highly-uncomfortable-pregnancy bit, finished with bedrest and baby boy's stint in the NICU. And since I don't have a job anymore - I was "let go" at one month postpartum, called in for a meeting to be told this since I hadn't been to work in many weeks due to bedrest, delivery, etc. I have a lot of bitterness and anger and frustration about the poor way it was all handled, but I'm trying not to stew over it since it gives me heartburn and headaches.

But now I have this adorable baby boy, and I'm thinking I should write more, about him and his two fabulous siblings, and maybe that can help me work through what I'll do next, besides being a wife and mother (which is a lot of wonderful work, but the financial benefits are even worse than adjuncting). I'm thinking that making writing a regular routine for me would be good mental exercise, keeping the mind sharp in between episodes of Team Umizoomi and The Deadliest Catch (favorites of my children and husband, respectively). So I'm going to set up a schedule and some expectations for myself, to get in the habit.

Pseudo-late-night musings

Not really that late, but the whole house is sleeping (except me, obviously). I had a performance review at my job earlier this week. It was even more unpleasant than I had imagined - the head o' staff never seems satisfied with my work, despite the fact that he doesn't really have a lot of first-hand knowledge or exposure to my work. And I kind of resent that - but that's a separate can of worms. I also don't handle performance reviews well, at least not when I have them with this guy. I don't like criticism (who does), but beyond that, I'm probably a little more honest and blunt about my beefs than I should be.

My immediate supervisor (not the head of staff) asked me where I saw myself in the future - say, five years out. And at the time, my answer was "I don't know." Maybe not the most politically-savvy answer, but I was being honest. And I've thought a lot about that question over the days since. I'm too young to be having a mid-life crisis. I think it's more a case of not knowing what I want to be when I grow up, since figuring out that my initial plan did not match my expectations and priorities.

Back when I started graduate school, I thought I would end up teaching college. And I still do that, sometimes, as a vastly-underpaid, irregularly employed adjunct. One or two courses some terms, and nothing others, and never anything during the summer. I could keep at that, and try to line up positions at more distant colleges and universities, but for the measly salary and total lack of benefits, it's not worth it. The amount of time and energy required to do a good job is significant, and I can't not put in that time and energy, but then if the time spent teaching, preparing, grading is compared to the per-course pay, I'm really underselling myself. And I'm not making much of a contribution to the family income, for all of the hassle and difficult involved in adjusting my family's life to a teaching schedule.

But I love teaching. And - while I love to work with the kids in my current job - I don't think that this particular job at this particular place is going to be satisfying for me, intellectually and spiritually, for a long time unless there are a lot of changes - changes I'm not sure are realistic or desired by my employer(s), given the current economy and the priorities they seem to value. So what to do?

I've thought a good bit about trying to get certification so I can teach in public schools. It looks like it's rather involved - I would have to take a number of education classes, although I'd say I've got the content aspects (English lit, composition, rhetoric, grammar - that whole bag) mastered fairly well. I was tempted a few times by some course descriptions for education courses while I was in grad school but never got my act together to actually register for any of them. I'm fairly confident that I could do the work required. I'm just so fuzzy on the right direction for my life that I don't know if that will really be what I want to do.

I know I need to do something that affords some creativity. I need to find a place where my reading, writing, analytical skills are valued. I need to find something that gives me a sense of purpose, because I don't want to get tied to something that my heart rejects. I could give writing a try, I suppose. I could probably do good work with non-fiction, various subjects and contexts. Sure, I'm the great procrastinator when it comes to writing that languishing dissertation, but I think the sheer size and overwhelming scope of that project is a big part of my trepidation there. I could edit - I'm good at it, and comfortable with it. I enjoy working with people, most of the time, so a solitary profession wouldn't necessarily be a good fit.

But nothing's dropping in my lap. No flashing neon signs, saying "Here's your vocation!" "Stop here for your profession and purpose in life!" I'm not in a hurry to move. I enjoy much of my work, and I still have a lot of challenges in my current job. And it's not like I'd be in high demand if I waded out into the job-seeking pool just now. Everyone's clamoring to hire a pregnant English nerd right now. What does it mean that my kindergartener knows what she wants to be when she grows up (an astronaut - this has been her plan for over two years now - sometimes she tosses in a second career as a princess and/or a mother, too, although I've had to promise to look after her kids while she's in space) and I don't? I really miss that clarity I had in my late college, early grad school years. I had a Big Life Plan then, and since then I've made so many changes and revisions and notes in the margins that I can't even figure out what the plan says. If you're out driving, and you see one of those neon signs and you think it's an answer to my question, let me know, okay?

Background checks

I've been doing a lot of reading today on background checks and related topics, as part of a project for work, and in a stroke of good timing, the New York Times has an interesting essay that discusses CriminalSearches.com, which allows you to run checks for free (although it doesn't claim to be error-free or comprehensive).

Electricity, water, and more electricity

Today's highlights include:

Electricity, which was my trip to get tested for carpal tunnel. It was freaky, but the man conducting the tests talked the ENTIRE TIME and kept my mind off of the jolts of current zapping (slower than they should) through my lower arms. It's pretty certain that I have carpal tunnel now, so the question becomes what to do about it. I'm not loving the splint thing that I wear on my right wrist. I know that, given the heat and sweat it causes underneath its lovely black shiny self, it will begin to annoy me more as the temperature rises. And yet, I will likely have to get one for the left, too, as a short term treatment if nothing else.

Water, which was delightful at the kids' pool party later in the afternoon. It is one of the first events I've organized for the kids as part of my new job, and attendance was pretty good. I provided juice boxes and Rice Krispies treats which were pretty popular, and Big Girl had a fantastic time in the pool. She's definitely a daredevil. I had to get pretty tough with her to keep her from jumping off the diving board and swimming in the deep end. She doesn't know how to swim. She starts lessons next week, but this week she's just wearing water wings and she has no fear. I'll feel a lot better once she finishes this class, but she is pretty oblivious to my trepidation and she wore herself out swimming and playing.

More electricity refers to the loud thunderstorm rolling through my neighborhood. I don't think it's actually raining - just making a lot of noise. I would appreciate rain but I may have to wait until the weekend (when I had planned to have a yard sale) for that.

Good times at preschool

Two and I went to Big Girl's class at preschool today to read a couple of books to the kids, and had a fantastic time. The kids really seemed to enjoy the books I brought (Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus! and Because a Little Bug Went Ka-Choo! (Beginner Books(R))), and Big Girl was thrilled to have me there. All the kids were wearing pajamas today (so cute!), and the moms-reading-books gig was a part of that. I was one of four moms to read during today's class. The school is having special events all week.

After Big Girl got out of school, she changed into her civvies and we went out for lunch with my mom. Good food, plus it was a mystery shop so I'll get reimbursed for it. Bonus! I think my mom really enjoys doing shops with me, because she likes to make suggestions about things I should include in my report (usually very good insights), and she likes the idea that someone, somewhere, is interested in what she has to say.

Wednesday afternoon and evening activities at work with the herd of young children have left me exhausted - and I'm still not quite finished with my teaching for the semester, either. This two jobs business is a bit overwhelming this week, mostly because there's so much grading for the big kids (my college students) and I have so many ideas and so much excitement about the new job with the younger kids.

I'm also really stoked about one of our upcoming projects for the kids at church. It's called Read to Feed, and it benefits one of my favorite charities, Heifer International. Kids get sponsors who commit to pay them a certain amount for each book they read, and then the kids read and record their books, and then collect the money to support Heifer. I would love to see some of the elementary schools participate in this program next school year. It's not tied to any particular religious group, it's secular and just benefits Heifer, and I think it would be a great way to motivate some of those kids to read more. But I digress. I'm going to do it this summer with my church kids, and I hope they will find it as much fun as I do.

Children are exhausting

There were somewhere between 50 and 60 kids at the church this evening for choir and other assorted activities, and, well, some of them are unbelievably hyper. And I don't always mean that in a good way. After all of the afternoon's drama and woe, I'm so grateful to have such lovely, affectionate, polite, sweet children. And I'm so glad that they generally play well with others, at least when they're not being possessive about their own toys.

We spent nearly an hour outside in the bright late afternoon sun while the aforementioned child horde rampaged the playground and expended energy. No one was seriously hurt, and there was a snake spotting in the tree beyond the fence on the far side of the playground. I didn't go near there. I am afraid of snakes, although I did not admit this weakness to any of the boys who might have used that knowledge for evil. Fortunately I was not the sole adult supervising these kids, so I let the other moms handle the snake watching. I was busy enough keeping tiny girls from climbing to terrifying heights on the playground structure.

I learned several valuable lessons from today's experience, and not only about skills, words, and interests that I don't want my own children to possess. I learned that you can never have enough volunteers - parents, actually - supervising this group. I also learned that fifth graders can be surprisingly kind and accepting toward preschoolers, but not always. In addition, I learned that it's virtually impossible to capture the interest and attention of boys who are only there at church because their moms make them come, particularly when those moms drop them off and leave to get a few hours of peace away from said boys. Hmph. I think many of these issues are going to need some serious thought and planning, so that hopefully the wonderful volunteers we do have don't get burned out so quickly next year. I've done my share of volunteering in the past, but I've never been in the managerial role previously, and my appreciation for those women (and a lone man today) has multiplied tenfold.

In other news, Two is still sticking to his starch, cheese, and sweets diet plan. He also has started another delightful habit: throwing his cup across the room if he discovers that it contains water, instead of his beloved juice. And Big Girl? She'll be singing in church this weekend with her choir group. Can't wait to see her. I need to pull out the ironing board and make sure her new pretty white dress looks pressed and perfect for the occasion. And I need to remember to scrub her ears - because when she plays in dirt, that girl gets it everywhere.

Why am I being so vague?

I'm not sure why I'm being vague about the details of my new job here. I'm doing children's ministry work at my church. It's a big change for me - I've always taught really big kids (and some adults, but not all college students are adults ;) . Now I'm going to be working with wee folk at the new job. I'm really excited about this, because I love spending time with my kids and helping out with their activities at church, and now I think I'll just feel more invested - plus how many jobs really let you take your kids to work this way? I'll be doing a lot of coordinating, really - lining up volunteers to do a lot of the teaching and supervision stuff, plus doing some of that myself.

Today was good, although I can't say I accomplished anything momentous on my first day on the job. I spent the morning learning how the copier works, trying to organize my office (I get an office, a real office, and it's fabulous) and get all of the items that were stored in there out of the way. The office is still in need of a lot of attention, and all of the files and books that were left behind by the previous occupants were in disarray. The job I have has been held by many people for brief tenures over the years. I hope I'll be the one to break that trend - a lot of people have apparently taken the job until something better came along, something full-time or with better perks I guess.

Although for me, having an office with all of the books and office supplies and a computer is a big perk, and being able to hang out with kids is a pretty sweet job. I guess all people don't share my strange passion for office supplies. But when I teach, to any group of whatever age, it's a great high for me to feel like I'm making connections and I'm learning and they're learning. I hope and dream that working at the church will have plenty of those rewarding moments to feed and sustain me, and that I'll actually be a positive force in these kids' lives. When I start thinking about the possibilities and the ideas my mind just starts racing, and it's hard to keep focused because there's so much going on in my head.

I don't know what this job, and its possibilities, mean for me on a longterm basis. I can't figure out if I will finish my dissertation. It's an odd beast. I love being a student, and I love teaching, but I have to force myself to write about literature. I could talk all day, and I love reading groups, but it's hard to force myself and I have no willpower on a broader scale when it comes to doing things I don't enjoy. I know that I would enjoy being finished with the stupid thing, but I can come up with a million different tasks to do instead of it. After all, I've been procrastinating for years about it. My daughter will be four soon, and I (should have) started on it before she was born.

I don't know what to do with my life. How old am I, and I still can't figure out what to be, even though I've been grown up for years? Anyway, I guess I need to figure out if I'm going to finish with the dissertation and get the PhD, just to have it, because I hate to think that I've wasted so many years working on it not to finish it (but then part of me thinks - if I have learned and grown through the work, isn't that a reward too?). I know I would disappoint my parents, and probably Hubs, and other people if I dropped the PhD. The question I can't answer yet is, would I disappoint myself?

Big Day

I've been slightly less maniacal about posting this week, but I have a good excuse. I've been cleaning the house a bit, and then today I'm starting my new job. It's a part-time gig, so I'll still have plenty of time to blather on about nothing on this blog. I'm excited to try something new, and I'll be working in the same office as a lot of people I know and like, so hopefully this will be a very good situation for me. I'll still be teaching tomorrow's "leaders" at the local mecca of higher learning in spring and fall as well - that's only part-time too, so the two jobs will fit nicely together and still leave me plenty of time with the Big Girl and Two.

Speaking of Two, he's very persistent. He's trying to close my laptop for me, so I'll watch him drive his truck across the carpet. Big Girl and her baby dolls (dressed up in some of her clothes that she naughtily pilfered from her drawers) are dancing to this morning's kid-friendly selection, an old Phil Collins cd. Good times. I think I'll start making music, instead of Noggin, a part of our morning routine. They're not so zombie-fied and they don't throw tantrums when I interrupt music listening to get them dressed and wash the breakfast crumbs from their faces.

The sun is rising outside. It's getting hot in Georgia, y'all. Thank goodness for a/c and box fans.