Pseudo-late-night musings

Not really that late, but the whole house is sleeping (except me, obviously). I had a performance review at my job earlier this week. It was even more unpleasant than I had imagined - the head o' staff never seems satisfied with my work, despite the fact that he doesn't really have a lot of first-hand knowledge or exposure to my work. And I kind of resent that - but that's a separate can of worms. I also don't handle performance reviews well, at least not when I have them with this guy. I don't like criticism (who does), but beyond that, I'm probably a little more honest and blunt about my beefs than I should be.

My immediate supervisor (not the head of staff) asked me where I saw myself in the future - say, five years out. And at the time, my answer was "I don't know." Maybe not the most politically-savvy answer, but I was being honest. And I've thought a lot about that question over the days since. I'm too young to be having a mid-life crisis. I think it's more a case of not knowing what I want to be when I grow up, since figuring out that my initial plan did not match my expectations and priorities.

Back when I started graduate school, I thought I would end up teaching college. And I still do that, sometimes, as a vastly-underpaid, irregularly employed adjunct. One or two courses some terms, and nothing others, and never anything during the summer. I could keep at that, and try to line up positions at more distant colleges and universities, but for the measly salary and total lack of benefits, it's not worth it. The amount of time and energy required to do a good job is significant, and I can't not put in that time and energy, but then if the time spent teaching, preparing, grading is compared to the per-course pay, I'm really underselling myself. And I'm not making much of a contribution to the family income, for all of the hassle and difficult involved in adjusting my family's life to a teaching schedule.

But I love teaching. And - while I love to work with the kids in my current job - I don't think that this particular job at this particular place is going to be satisfying for me, intellectually and spiritually, for a long time unless there are a lot of changes - changes I'm not sure are realistic or desired by my employer(s), given the current economy and the priorities they seem to value. So what to do?

I've thought a good bit about trying to get certification so I can teach in public schools. It looks like it's rather involved - I would have to take a number of education classes, although I'd say I've got the content aspects (English lit, composition, rhetoric, grammar - that whole bag) mastered fairly well. I was tempted a few times by some course descriptions for education courses while I was in grad school but never got my act together to actually register for any of them. I'm fairly confident that I could do the work required. I'm just so fuzzy on the right direction for my life that I don't know if that will really be what I want to do.

I know I need to do something that affords some creativity. I need to find a place where my reading, writing, analytical skills are valued. I need to find something that gives me a sense of purpose, because I don't want to get tied to something that my heart rejects. I could give writing a try, I suppose. I could probably do good work with non-fiction, various subjects and contexts. Sure, I'm the great procrastinator when it comes to writing that languishing dissertation, but I think the sheer size and overwhelming scope of that project is a big part of my trepidation there. I could edit - I'm good at it, and comfortable with it. I enjoy working with people, most of the time, so a solitary profession wouldn't necessarily be a good fit.

But nothing's dropping in my lap. No flashing neon signs, saying "Here's your vocation!" "Stop here for your profession and purpose in life!" I'm not in a hurry to move. I enjoy much of my work, and I still have a lot of challenges in my current job. And it's not like I'd be in high demand if I waded out into the job-seeking pool just now. Everyone's clamoring to hire a pregnant English nerd right now. What does it mean that my kindergartener knows what she wants to be when she grows up (an astronaut - this has been her plan for over two years now - sometimes she tosses in a second career as a princess and/or a mother, too, although I've had to promise to look after her kids while she's in space) and I don't? I really miss that clarity I had in my late college, early grad school years. I had a Big Life Plan then, and since then I've made so many changes and revisions and notes in the margins that I can't even figure out what the plan says. If you're out driving, and you see one of those neon signs and you think it's an answer to my question, let me know, okay?

Ummm, yeah. I'm still around.

As usual at this time of year, my life has devolved into an exhausting series of chaotic activities. I finished with grading finals and papers, turned in my final grades, and all of that jazz earlier this week. I even had to turn in my office and building keys - as happened last spring, I don't have a teaching assignment lined up for next term, and while I may be called in at the last moment, there's no guarantee. So they'll take up my key and send it back to wherever keys go for the next three or four weeks, so that, if they decide to call me back to teach next term, I will then have to wait at least a month to get keys again. It would seem sensible to have me keep the keys until classes start again in January, and then return them if I won't need them, but no. I jump through the hoops of higher ed bureaucracy like a good trained pup.

The kids are abuzz with various holiday parties and activities. Big Girl danced beautifully last weekend in The Nutcracker - her first performance in it. I was rather surprised by how nostalgic and sentimental I felt seeing my girl dance in the same ballet that I once performed. And yes, most of the choreography is virtually unchanged from the steps set on me and my peers so many years ago in the first local performance. When I heard the music for the roles I danced then, I felt my feet and arms respond instinctively with the appropriate gestures and movements. It's been sixteen years, but I still remember (although I know my pregnant, out of shape body would look ridiculous if I actually attempted to do the steps, and I don't even want to think about how impossible it would be to dance on pointe now).

Big Girl and I also got to ride in the local Christmas parade, on a float with her scout troup, earlier this month. It was extremely cold but fun. As the sole pregnant parent among the adults there to supervise and accompany the kids, I got to ride on the float while the other parents walked along beside it and tossed candy to the kids watching the parade. Three and his granddaddy watched the parade, and both Three and his sister were THRILLED to see Santa riding on a fire truck at the end of the parade. Well, almost the end. The horses came last, because, well, who really wants to walk or drive behind them? Aside from a cleaning crew, perhaps. I couldn't believe how excited the kids got about Santa. My boy is still talking about Santa on the fire truck, and I expect that he will question the jolly guy about it if we go to see Santa at the mall.

Commercialism has reached Big Girl. Sigh. She's always wanted great toys - fun kid stuff, that requires imagination or active play - but thanks to the influence of her school peers, she's asking for a DS and a remote control car for Christmas. Both things are completely out of character - I know it's just a matter of hearing the kids at school discuss such things. Unfortunately Santa plans to give her things she will actually enjoy, as opposed to those other beyond-his-budget-and-likely-less-fun-for-her-anyway items.

My boy, fortunately, remains blissfully unaware, and his wish list this year is the same as last: tractors. Since he already owns almost every John Deere toy tractor that I can find in this town, I've had to get a bit creative with him, but hopefully he will still be pleased.

And the bebe? The one moving around in the womb while I type? I should find out whether said baby is a he or a she next month. I am so excited to find out! And then, of course, I'll be able to obsess about baby clothes and accessories and gear - but I'm trying to wait until after Christmas.

Thanks for your input.

I decided to let my students take the exam home to complete it. I finished writing it earlier this evening, and they'll have more than a week before they have to turn it in - but they're also finishing term papers due on Thursday, so I suspect most of them will wait a few days before starting the exam. It's already posted online, so they can start when ready. They were all very excited by the change to a take-home exam, and I'm hoping that, with less pressure and more time, they'll all do very well.

Because honestly, all of my "mean teacher" talk aside, I want my students to do well. It makes me sad when I have to flunk plagiarists and assign low grades to students who haven't done all the work. I would rather read good papers and tests.

Nice teacher? Mean teacher? Spineless teacher?

My college students are scheduled to take exams next week - one class on Tuesday night, and one on Thursday night. Two hours, open notes, open book. I feel pretty generous about that.

I let them use the book and notes because I assign massive amounts of reading, and I don't think I should require students in a first year composition (lit based) class to memorize authors and titles. The focus should be on demonstrating what they can do with the literature more than anything.

But now I'm kind of tempted to give them the final as a take-home on Thursday, and just have them return it next week. Is that being too generous? Is this my laziness trumping my teacherly duty? Because I would rather not sit there for two hours while they take their exams. That is definitely one factor.

The midterm was take-home. Apparently some of them took much longer than I anticipated to complete it, so I know that the final will be shorter than the midterm.

I worry that the spirit of generosity and all that is taking me over and compromising my mean teacherness. And then, I remember that I don't HAVE to be a mean teacher, not all the time, even though being a little scary can be fun. And the important part is that they demonstrate competence with the material and all that.

What do you think?

The Imposter Phenomenon

This evening's reading: "The Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention," by Pauline Rose Clance & Suzanne Imes - while this particular article is a little bit dry, I'm very interested in the topic. If you would like to read it, the pdf is online. This was originally published in the late 1970's, but the topic is by no means outdated.

Fun Read

I raced through a book yesterday, and it was a fun, easy read. Academy X: A Novel is written from the perspective of a male English teacher at an elite private prep school in New York, and while I couldn't exactly relate, a lot of the themes - academic politics, grade-grubbing students, sex-obsessed teenage students who wear skimpy clothing - sounded very familiar. Some of the classroom descriptions sounded a lot like the groups I encountered at my last teaching job, and the academic politics, while a bit more sinister that most of what I encountered, were pretty amusing. It's a short, fun read, and there were a lot of allusions, to Jane Austen and Charles Dickens novels as well as others, that made things fun for me. I have a bit of a weakness for postmodern novels that recycle and/or reimagine classic novels, and while this wasn't the finest of that genre, the way that the central character taught his students Emma while simultaneously using it to question the events in his life, to see if there were parallels, was a neat device. On the whole, I recommend it to anyone with a passing interest in any of the themes I've mentioned.

Who, me? Yes, I'm still here.

I've been slaving away, grading a lot of bad papers and pitiful exams, plus a few good ones, for the last several days. I finally finished with it all and got everything turned in to the proper people today, so I'm finished with that job until fall. Yay! I think I'll celebrate with some nice cold Bailey's. My eyes are all dry and burning from reading so much over the last several days. As a break from grading the papers, I've also been reading some fun fiction this weekend, a couple of books from a recently-discovered Jim Butcher series (no, not the fabulous Harry Dresden books - another great series). I'll blab on excitedly about those books sometime when my eyes aren't so fuzzy feeling. I'm behind on my teevee watching, so now that I'm finished with grading, I'll have to block out some time to be a bum.

Two has a tummy bug but is being a pretty good sport. I hope he gets over this soon. No telling where he found it - he's so curious and gets into stuff all the time. Fortunately his sister is getting better about washing her hands regularly, and actually using the soap instead of giving it a cursory pickup, so she is healthy so far.

Also my latest Bzz kit came today - some fabulous Ziploc Big Bags. I already had some of these, which I used for pillows and comforters when we moved last year, and I'm delighted that I just got some more, now that I'm ready to tackle some organizing projects in my copious free time. I also have some good coupons to share, which always makes my mom happy. I don't think she would ever sign up to be a Bzz Agent, but she gladly shares in whatever I get to try as one.

Ugh - so glad I'm not a student!

I just finished writing the exam that my Saturday class will take in the morning, and I am very glad I don't have to take it. It's easy, yes, but long. I would do well on it, since, well, I wrote the questions (duh) and I picked all of the literature we read in this class, but I think they may be annoyed by the length of time required to finish the thing. Two hours, minimum, for those who know what they're talking about. Less time for the dummies who didn't do the reading regularly and don't care, more time for the dummies who will try to cover up the fact that they didn't do the reading. It's open book, open note. I like to give them lots of rope to hang themselves. ;)

And while they take the exam, I will grade papers and thus have nothing left to do besides grade final exams!

Pollen blues

I didn't make it out to teach my class this morning. I woke up without a voice and with plenty of congestion. The kids were quite disappointed, since they didn't go to stay with their grandmother while I worked, but Two has the same complaints and ended up sleeping for most of the morning and a good portion of the afternoon. Big Girl has been happily alternating between playing in her room and watching the highly-addictive Noggin. It's crack for three year olds. She cracks me up as she parrots the announcement between shows that names the show coming next - as if we couldn't possibly want to do anything else but watch the next show: "Mama, Lillul Bayuh's comin' up nest!"

So much grading...

and so little motivation to do it. I have two classes' worth of papers to grade this weekend, plus a third class coming in next week. And all I want to do is watch Jane Austen movies and eat cookies. Instead of doing any of those things, however, I'm on my laptop, sitting in Hubs' recliner and drinking a cold beverage.

Hubs "watched" the kids this morning while I taught class. I say "watched" because he fed them breakfast and then parked them in front of Bob the Builder, playing on repeat, while he was on his laptop doing work in the adjacent room. So the kids are far over their Bob quota after watching it all morning.

As I expected, most of the class dragged in late this morning - usually the case when a paper is due. Sometimes I'm a witch and I don't accept papers that aren't there on my desk at 8 am (or whenever the class starts), but today I was nice and understanding. I even took one student - a nice young woman who's five weeks from her due date - to my office so she could print her paper off of a memory stick, since the computer lab is closed on the weekends and she ran out of ink at home. I'm becoming all soft in my old age.

Quick glance to CNN prompts the following: why do some reporters dress up in "local costume" when covering stories? For example, I just spotted Ali Velshi, and I know he's in Texas because he's wearing a brown cowboy hat and a leather barn coat and he looks like a total goofball.

So, I am debating applying for a new job. It would be in addition to my current part-time teaching gig, at least for now. The position would involve coordinating the children's educational programs at my church, and it would be part-time, and I can't decide if I should apply. One part of me says I should try it, and see how I like it (I think if I apply, my chances of getting the job are strong). Another part of me says I already have too many obligations and responsibilities, and I need to finish this *&^&^%$^%$ dissertation before I take on anything else. I just don't know. Hubs is no help - he says it's up to me and he's supportive of whatever I choose. Ugh.

I love this class

I taught one of my evening composition classes tonight. There are eight women in the class - no men - and all of the women are my age or older. I just love it. It's such a refreshing change from my other classes because the women are all comfortable with each other, and everyone seems willing to speak up and respond to one another. They help each other, and it really feels like a community, a cohesive group. And I don't have to force conversation - if anything, I have to pull us back on schedule because we keep talking and run out of time if I'm not careful about the clock. The crazy thing about tonight's class was that we spent the entire time working on their first round of essays, due next week. And everyone listened carefully and offered helpful feedback, and even though they came into class telling me how concerned they were about their papers, they all left saying that they understood how to improve their drafts and they had a better sense of how to approach the short stories we've been reading. It's such a refreshing change, particularly from some of the students in my Saturday morning class who seem to want me to write their papers for them. And I can't get over how much I enjoyed a draft workshop class, one where we weren't even discussing literature directly. This reminded me why I love teaching.