New crib

I'm moving to a new place to give myself a fresh start. Send me a note or leave a comment if you want to know the forwarding address. :)

Pseudo-late-night musings

Not really that late, but the whole house is sleeping (except me, obviously). I had a performance review at my job earlier this week. It was even more unpleasant than I had imagined - the head o' staff never seems satisfied with my work, despite the fact that he doesn't really have a lot of first-hand knowledge or exposure to my work. And I kind of resent that - but that's a separate can of worms. I also don't handle performance reviews well, at least not when I have them with this guy. I don't like criticism (who does), but beyond that, I'm probably a little more honest and blunt about my beefs than I should be.

My immediate supervisor (not the head of staff) asked me where I saw myself in the future - say, five years out. And at the time, my answer was "I don't know." Maybe not the most politically-savvy answer, but I was being honest. And I've thought a lot about that question over the days since. I'm too young to be having a mid-life crisis. I think it's more a case of not knowing what I want to be when I grow up, since figuring out that my initial plan did not match my expectations and priorities.

Back when I started graduate school, I thought I would end up teaching college. And I still do that, sometimes, as a vastly-underpaid, irregularly employed adjunct. One or two courses some terms, and nothing others, and never anything during the summer. I could keep at that, and try to line up positions at more distant colleges and universities, but for the measly salary and total lack of benefits, it's not worth it. The amount of time and energy required to do a good job is significant, and I can't not put in that time and energy, but then if the time spent teaching, preparing, grading is compared to the per-course pay, I'm really underselling myself. And I'm not making much of a contribution to the family income, for all of the hassle and difficult involved in adjusting my family's life to a teaching schedule.

But I love teaching. And - while I love to work with the kids in my current job - I don't think that this particular job at this particular place is going to be satisfying for me, intellectually and spiritually, for a long time unless there are a lot of changes - changes I'm not sure are realistic or desired by my employer(s), given the current economy and the priorities they seem to value. So what to do?

I've thought a good bit about trying to get certification so I can teach in public schools. It looks like it's rather involved - I would have to take a number of education classes, although I'd say I've got the content aspects (English lit, composition, rhetoric, grammar - that whole bag) mastered fairly well. I was tempted a few times by some course descriptions for education courses while I was in grad school but never got my act together to actually register for any of them. I'm fairly confident that I could do the work required. I'm just so fuzzy on the right direction for my life that I don't know if that will really be what I want to do.

I know I need to do something that affords some creativity. I need to find a place where my reading, writing, analytical skills are valued. I need to find something that gives me a sense of purpose, because I don't want to get tied to something that my heart rejects. I could give writing a try, I suppose. I could probably do good work with non-fiction, various subjects and contexts. Sure, I'm the great procrastinator when it comes to writing that languishing dissertation, but I think the sheer size and overwhelming scope of that project is a big part of my trepidation there. I could edit - I'm good at it, and comfortable with it. I enjoy working with people, most of the time, so a solitary profession wouldn't necessarily be a good fit.

But nothing's dropping in my lap. No flashing neon signs, saying "Here's your vocation!" "Stop here for your profession and purpose in life!" I'm not in a hurry to move. I enjoy much of my work, and I still have a lot of challenges in my current job. And it's not like I'd be in high demand if I waded out into the job-seeking pool just now. Everyone's clamoring to hire a pregnant English nerd right now. What does it mean that my kindergartener knows what she wants to be when she grows up (an astronaut - this has been her plan for over two years now - sometimes she tosses in a second career as a princess and/or a mother, too, although I've had to promise to look after her kids while she's in space) and I don't? I really miss that clarity I had in my late college, early grad school years. I had a Big Life Plan then, and since then I've made so many changes and revisions and notes in the margins that I can't even figure out what the plan says. If you're out driving, and you see one of those neon signs and you think it's an answer to my question, let me know, okay?

ZZZZZZzzzzzzz.....

I snore when I'm pregnant. I know this from previous pregnancies - the combination of a little stuffiness (which seems to last throughout pregnancy for me) and extra weight cause it. So I know I do it - I'm not in denial like SOME PEOPLE who live in this house and share the bed with me...

I've learned, after nine years of marriage, to tune out his snoring and sleep through it. But last night he woke me up repeatedly to tell me to stop snoring! Dude - I can't help it! I'm laying on my side, so it's not as if changing positions will stop it! Grrr. I'm just a little frustrated with his hypocrisy. He denies snoring. I've threatened to record him to prove my point, but he'd probably deny even in the face of that evidence.

He actually asked me to wait an hour after he goes to bed, so he can be sound asleep by the time I get there - so he doesn't have to listen to me! The nerve of that man....

{end vent}

I am highly productive and organized!

In my mind, that is. In reality, it's a far different story. I can sit around thinking of things I could do, but at present I lack all energy. I have no mental push, no impetus to remove myself from this recliner and get things done. And there is so very much to be done.

Sigh.

This explains why my kids are geniuses... ;)

Morning Sickness Tied to Higher Child IQ

Oh, am I sick. I'd say "sick as a dog," only I think my dogs are feeling much better than I am right now. I'm on meds to help with the nausea, fortunately. And that memory of how sick and miserable I felt during the first trimesters of my previous pregnancies, the memory that faded in the delight of cute little babies that followed? Oh, yes. I remember it well.

By now many of the adults in my life know. Still haven't told the kids. Hubs and I think we'll tell them after the ultrasound early next week. They're both notoriously impatient (wonder where they get that?!), so I know the "when will you have the baby" questions will start in short order. That's okay. My girl will also probably think that her Christmas wish for the last 2-3 years is finally coming true. She's been asking for a baby sister (I think she'd be happy with a baby brother too - she's baby-crazy). And Three? I see a wee bit o' jealousy in his future, because he still likes to crawl in my lap and be my baby sometimes. He won't like it when the occupant starts expanding the womb into his lap territory. He's a sweet boy, though, so I don't have any long term worries.

I think I'll go eat something cheesy. Sounds good about now.

Breaking News!

I haven't shared this news with many people who see me, in person, on a regular basis. And I'm notoriously weak when it comes to keeping exciting news to myself, so I decided to share the news here so I have somewhere to discuss it.

I am pregnant. Thought I might be coming down with swine flu, but no. It's morning sickness.

This was a bit of a surprise, albeit a wonderful one. Less than a month ago, I was talking with my doctor about the slim chance that I would conceive without some sort of intervention - fertility meds, etc.

I am thrilled about the prospect of becoming a mother for the third time. I am also terrified. Terrified that I might miscarry (I hesitate to type the word, even). Terrified that the baby will have health problems. Terrified that I will be sick as a dog for the whole pregnancy and thus unable to give my kiddos the time and attention they deserve.

This complicates life in a lot of ways. I haven't said anything at work yet, because I know that it's going to be... weird. If my guesstimate of the due date is correct, the baby will arrive right around the time I should be running the show for VBS. Ironically my efforts to do that last summer were thwarted by the first of my lithotripsies. Plus I don't exactly get time off or benefits or anything at this job. It's part time, salaried but with some very specific requirements. Certainly having a baby at the end of the school year or early in summer is a better time in other respects, but it will make things tricky at work.

Plus, well, we're already busting at the seams in this house. We have too much stuff, and I've been working on paring down our possessions, but we still only have three bedrooms. The baby can stay in our bedroom at first, but eventually? Not sure that we'll be able to fit in this house. And that means the possibility of moving. Ugh.

I am so excited to be pregnant. If I stop and think about it for a minute, I get a goofy grin on my face - my inability to keep this expression hidden led to me to tell my parents the news within a couple of days, because they would know I was (poorly attempting to) hiding something.

On a related note, if you're reading this and you see me in person on a semi-regular basis - mum's the word! Say nothing! I need to figure out what all of this will mean, plus when the baby is actually due (due date's a bit uncertain at this point, without an ultrasound to date), and I want to wait until I feel a bit more secure about the pregnancy too before I share the news broadly.

In closing, two succinct sentiments: Barf! and Yay!

That "Christmas is coming" feeling

I've got that strange feeling in my stomach - the fluttery, jumpy sensation that I used to get as a kid when I couldn't wait to see what Santa would bring me. My whole body feels jittery, and not just from the pain meds I'm still taking. So many things are about to change - good things, for the most part - and I feel as though I'm on the brink of something new and different.

Hubs is graduating with his MBA tonight. After 18 long months, he's finished. He's been so busy, reading, working on projects, writing papers, that it seems almost like he's been traveling and has just come home again. There are so many things I want to do that have been put off for the last year and a half. Places I want to go as a family. Projects I want us to do together. Time spent together in the kitchen, cooking and baking delicious things. And now that he's finally finished, now that he will have a little more time for us and a little less stress, it's like I don't know or remember what I wanted to do. If I'm being honest, I've really resented his absences and his lack of time and attention to our family for all of these months, and now that he's (theoretically) back, I don't know how to handle it. The kids and I have developed routines and practices that will have to be adjusted to include him, and, well, I'm bossy and stubborn, so that might be a little harder for me than it sounds on the surface.

Beyond that, our little Big Girl is beginning kindergarten next week. I can't believe that's she's old enough for that. I'm sick with worry that she might encounter bullies and/or mean girls again this year. The thought of her at school all day, while I'm on the other side town, brings me to tears. She's confident and excited and eager for school to start, so I'm trying not to let my unsteady emotional state affect her.

Three will be in preschool again. He'll still be nearby, in the preschool at the church where I work. He's a little jealous of his big sister who has plans to ride the school bus to her new school, but I'm relieved that I'll at least have him close to me for a couple of years yet. Plus he's a little more sociable and outgoing, so I haven't had the same concerns with him. Big Girl has some of my nervousness and unease about large groups of kids her age - I always do better with one-on-one situations when it comes to making friends. I try not to read too much of myself into her life, because I think that could get dangerous. But at the same time, I don't want her to have the difficulties, the painful experiences of feeling like an outsider that still plague me today.

On a positive note, I'm almost finished with the kidney stone business. The pain and the difficulty getting anyone to treat them have taken a toll on me. I'm prone to being a slacker anyway - I'd rather read books than get the house in order almost any day - so the disorder in my house has grown into full-fledged chaos in the last five months. I feel as though I've lost so much enthusiasm and interest at home and at work. I just hope I can figure out a way to revive the drive I used to have. I've been thinking that writing more regularly here may help in that regard - to give me some accountability.

Down with kidney stones!

Death to all kidney stones! Begone!

1 down, 3 to go. This is taking forever, and I have only slightly more patience than my (sometimes) adorably impatient daughter...

Lithotripsy

The bruise from my lithotripsy looks kind of like a bizarre Asian graphic tattooed on my lower right back. Yeah, a tramp stamp.

The pain from the post-anesthesia headache is worse than that from the blast site, thus far. And I'm super-happy to be able to drink my morning coffee and eat a bowl of Special K this morning. Not eating breakfast yesterday was really tough - particularly the lack of coffee (said the coffee addict).

What kind of prize do I get for this?

Latest tests show TWO kidney stones, one on each side. Among other issues. Yay.

I have not always taken very good care of my body. I need to work on that, pronto, before other red flags turn into serious issues.

Ever notice how an appliance starts breaking down and developing all kinds of problems soon after the warranty expires? I am that appliance. Sigh.

Waiting game...

My mysterious health problem persists, and my doctor has not figured out the cause of my pain, but, God bless her, she is doing tests and trying her best to rule things out, one at a time. My pain comes and goes - it's around more often than not, but I have had the occasional hour or two of blissful pain-free relaxation from time to time. I know my kids and my husband are eager to get this diagnosed and resolved, probably as eager as I am. It's taken a toll on me in so many ways. For many weeks now - over three months - I haven't felt like my usual self, and haven't felt like doing everything that I should be doing, with my family, the house, the dogs, my job...

Itty bitty update

If the weather cooperates, I'll finally get some planting done tomorrow. My dad has offered to help me get the seeds in the ground, and hopefully the red clay that passes for soil here will be dry enough to use the tiller. It's been raining so much lately, without sufficient breaks for the ground to dry at all, that I've been waiting quite a while to get the seeds in the ground.

The mystery pain isn't resolved, isn't diagnosed, but does feel a bit better thanks to a change in medication. I have a new doctor - I really like her so far - and a plan of attack to eliminate possible causes until we find the right one.

To add more fun to the mix, I'm making serious efforts to potty train a certain stubborn, strong-willed three year old boy. He likes Spiderman underwear, but we may need to buy more pairs if he keeps going through them so quickly - hard to keep up with the laundry.

I've been very, very slack.

I haven't blogged much since 2009 began, and not at all since early March. I have plenty of excuses, of course, but the general reason is: life got busy. I'm sure that happens to everyone. I try to make time to read the blogs I enjoy on a regular basis, but I never have enough time to do everything.

Since my last post, I've had a birthday, and Two is now Three. And when I say Three, I mean acting Three, stubborn Three, I-can-do-it-myself Three, funny Three, practical joking Three. I don't think he's a changeling, but he has changed markedly since becoming officially Three.

My Big Girl continues to amaze me with her intelligence and sensitivity. She's getting ready for a ballerina party to celebrate her birthday, and she's been telling anyone and everyone who will listen about her upcoming fifth birthday. I'm in disbelief, but she really will start kindergarten in the fall, and she is excited! I think that going to a new school and making new friends will be wonderfully beneficial for her - the preschool that she and her brother attend has many benefits, but it's small and private. I know she'll learn much from the greater diversity in classmates, teachers, and experiences next year.

I've been plagued by a mystery illness/condition for over six weeks now. Doctors initially thought my pain was due to a kidney stone, since I've had them in the past, but now are unsure and are testing for other possibilities. This has slowed me down, and put me in a truly foul mood at times, but I'm trying to remain upbeat. The opportunity to rest and spend time with the kids this week, while they are on spring break, has been a delightful break for me as well.

I'm going to do some reading on small-scale gardening now - I'll come back and share what I find, in case you're interested too.

Right now.

Right now, I really want some ice cream. I think a mint Oreo Blizzard would be good, actually. Perhaps I should have unsubscribed from the Blizzard Fan Club e-mail list before giving up ice cream for Lent? And the Baskin Robbins and Cold Stone Creamery lists, too.

I shall refrain.

Thoughts, in no particular order

1. Kids sure are germy. I really didn't need to catch this bug from Big Girl. I've been miserably congested, snotty, coughing, bleh for days...

2. Two is now attempting to exploit his drippy nose, even though he's mostly better, as an excuse to skip school. The kid's only two. He told me he needed to stay home today because he was too sick to go to school. He really just wanted to watch Bob the Builder and eat fruit snacks.

3. Why, exactly, is Big Girl such a whiner about getting water in her eyes while bathing? Not soap - just water! It annoys me a little, although I'm trying my best to be patient and help her work through it.

4. Two LOVES baths, and showers, but only the playing in the water part. He doesn't actually want to be soaped up and cleaned. And he whines when it's over and he has to get out.

5. I got a lot of stuff at the Walmart this morning, stuff we needed. And yet there's still no food in the house. Well, nothing quick and easy. If I wanted to soak some dried beans and make a soup from scratch, we'd be set...

6. Hubs' car is paid off! Yay! We're making some progress, although at times it seems more like treading water.

7. Some days I fear that my children have inherited some of my worst qualities. But then they do sweet things and surprise me, and I don't worry so much.

8. Tissue manufacturers have a pretty good racket on their hands. We're going through lots o' boxes around here. Even with the tissue boxes placed out of kid reach, so they can't be as wasteful and playful with them as they wish...

9. When they were younger, both Big Girl and Two had more adventurous palates. I miss that. I bet they would both shun Indian food now, whereas Big Girl ate everything we got her from the buffet at our favorite restaurant back in NC.

10. I'm really slack sometimes. I still haven't mailed a gift to a friend that I meant to mail over a month ago. It's boxed up by the front door and has been sitting there for over a week.

Semantics

Today is Ash Wednesday. I decided to give up ice cream for Lent, which is harder for me than some people (say, the lactose intolerant), because I LOVE ice cream. Plus I woke up this morning to find the Blue Bell Creamery e-newsletter in my inbox, listing all of the fantastic flavors in rotation for March. Which leads me to parse my words a bit: I just meant I wouldn't eat ice cream during Lent. There's nothing in that that says I can't buy a gallon of Mocha Madness and stash it in my parents' deep freeze until mid-April. And, well, I'll have to camouflage it in some way so my dad won't eat it all. Because he's even worse about ice cream, and he hasn't said anything about giving it up for Lent. He also has no respect for "dibs" and the like. So the only way it will survive is if he doesn't know it's there. Once upon a time, he left coffee flavored ice creams alone because he didn't know he liked them. Then at some point - I think when I was in college - he got desperate enough to try coffee ice cream and figure out that he liked it, too. So now nothing is sacred in the way of ice cream. He even eats my mom's sugar free ice cream if it's the first stuff he finds.

Being sick?

Stinks. Particularly when you're the adult who's supposed to be taking care of two sick, whining, miserable kids, and yet you don't feel up to taking care of anyone.

If only it were feasible for us to run through all of the germs now, knowing that we won't get sick again later. Wish it worked that way.

I do have to say, however, that my sinus surgery worked nicely. I have a lot of congestion, but it seems to be moving right along, as opposed to setting up a blockade in my sinuses and developing into a nasty painful infection. I know I would be in a lot more pain from my sinuses now, if not for that surgery. I'm pretty uncomfortable, but not as bad as it could be...

My poor kids both have very dry lips which are cracking open. A consequence, I think, of their high fevers of last week and weekend, which led their lips to peel, plus the cold weather. Usually they like it when I swipe their lips with chapstick and lip treatments, but they're complaining now due to the cracked lips.

We all stayed home from school today, although I had no choice but to go to work this evening. Someone's got to teach the college kids about the fantastic world of poetry.

Quizzy stuff

My Political Views
I am a left moderate social libertarian
Left: 3.32, Libertarian: 1.88

Political Spectrum Quiz

My Foreign Policy Views
Score: -2.54

Political Spectrum Quiz

My Culture War Stance
Score: -5.13

Political Spectrum Quiz


These are my results from the Political Spectrum quiz - kind of interesting, no?

It's official:

I'm sick. And the itchy-throat-ear-sensation is driving me mad. Arrrggh!

A series of quick thoughts:

I wish I had the space, setting, and mental energy to grow a garden. Not going to happen this year, but I can dream.

I have too much crap in my house. Every day I find more and more, and I don't need so much of it.

People who don't turn on their headlights when it starts to get dark - particularly the ones who drive dark cars - scare me. I get really unnerved when I realize there's a car there and I can barely see it.

In a related note, I'm sometimes one of those annoying people who will flash her headlights on and off to try to tell approaching cars that they need to turn on their headlights.

My dogs are wrestling on the back deck again. Do they do this all the time, or do they wait until it's quiet enough for me to hear them out there making a racket?

I also wish I had a good spot for a large chest deep freezer, in which I could keep the produce from my imagined garden, along with smaller portions of soups and stews to heat and eat for weeknight meals.

Green/red/yellow bell peppers are over-used in prepared foods, particularly the frozen stuff like skillet meals. They don't taste that good, just strong, plus they make me sick to my stomach. And I hate having to study the ingredients list to see if they're in a product before I buy it. I've learned not to rely upon the picture of the meal on the packaging.

Hubs and I bought a Dyson early in our marriage, and it continues to serve us well (knock on wood). It's parked in this room at present. It's not the special pet-fur model but it still did a decent job with dog fur back when we had indoor dogs.

This colder weather is making me get really dry, itchy skin. Yuck.

My daughter's recent decision not to eat tater tots, french fries, and the like puzzles me. I wondered where she got it from. She used to eat these delicious potato products and love them. Almost as much as her brother, who would subsist on Sonic tater tots and fruit juice alone if permitted.

Hubs got me a label maker for Valentine's Day and I love it. I mentioned this at work today and got some weird looks, but I think it's one of the best gifts he's given me in years.

I wonder what I should start calling Two on this blog after he turns three in April... I could still call him Two, since he's the second in birth order, but would that be confusing?

Speaking of birth order - I've read several studies and articles discussing the impact of birth order on a child's development, and I think it's really interesting. I watch for signs of the influence of birth order in my own kids, and I can definitely see some of it at work in Hubs' family. Alas, I am an only child, but that has its influence as well.