Pseudo-late-night musings

Not really that late, but the whole house is sleeping (except me, obviously). I had a performance review at my job earlier this week. It was even more unpleasant than I had imagined - the head o' staff never seems satisfied with my work, despite the fact that he doesn't really have a lot of first-hand knowledge or exposure to my work. And I kind of resent that - but that's a separate can of worms. I also don't handle performance reviews well, at least not when I have them with this guy. I don't like criticism (who does), but beyond that, I'm probably a little more honest and blunt about my beefs than I should be.

My immediate supervisor (not the head of staff) asked me where I saw myself in the future - say, five years out. And at the time, my answer was "I don't know." Maybe not the most politically-savvy answer, but I was being honest. And I've thought a lot about that question over the days since. I'm too young to be having a mid-life crisis. I think it's more a case of not knowing what I want to be when I grow up, since figuring out that my initial plan did not match my expectations and priorities.

Back when I started graduate school, I thought I would end up teaching college. And I still do that, sometimes, as a vastly-underpaid, irregularly employed adjunct. One or two courses some terms, and nothing others, and never anything during the summer. I could keep at that, and try to line up positions at more distant colleges and universities, but for the measly salary and total lack of benefits, it's not worth it. The amount of time and energy required to do a good job is significant, and I can't not put in that time and energy, but then if the time spent teaching, preparing, grading is compared to the per-course pay, I'm really underselling myself. And I'm not making much of a contribution to the family income, for all of the hassle and difficult involved in adjusting my family's life to a teaching schedule.

But I love teaching. And - while I love to work with the kids in my current job - I don't think that this particular job at this particular place is going to be satisfying for me, intellectually and spiritually, for a long time unless there are a lot of changes - changes I'm not sure are realistic or desired by my employer(s), given the current economy and the priorities they seem to value. So what to do?

I've thought a good bit about trying to get certification so I can teach in public schools. It looks like it's rather involved - I would have to take a number of education classes, although I'd say I've got the content aspects (English lit, composition, rhetoric, grammar - that whole bag) mastered fairly well. I was tempted a few times by some course descriptions for education courses while I was in grad school but never got my act together to actually register for any of them. I'm fairly confident that I could do the work required. I'm just so fuzzy on the right direction for my life that I don't know if that will really be what I want to do.

I know I need to do something that affords some creativity. I need to find a place where my reading, writing, analytical skills are valued. I need to find something that gives me a sense of purpose, because I don't want to get tied to something that my heart rejects. I could give writing a try, I suppose. I could probably do good work with non-fiction, various subjects and contexts. Sure, I'm the great procrastinator when it comes to writing that languishing dissertation, but I think the sheer size and overwhelming scope of that project is a big part of my trepidation there. I could edit - I'm good at it, and comfortable with it. I enjoy working with people, most of the time, so a solitary profession wouldn't necessarily be a good fit.

But nothing's dropping in my lap. No flashing neon signs, saying "Here's your vocation!" "Stop here for your profession and purpose in life!" I'm not in a hurry to move. I enjoy much of my work, and I still have a lot of challenges in my current job. And it's not like I'd be in high demand if I waded out into the job-seeking pool just now. Everyone's clamoring to hire a pregnant English nerd right now. What does it mean that my kindergartener knows what she wants to be when she grows up (an astronaut - this has been her plan for over two years now - sometimes she tosses in a second career as a princess and/or a mother, too, although I've had to promise to look after her kids while she's in space) and I don't? I really miss that clarity I had in my late college, early grad school years. I had a Big Life Plan then, and since then I've made so many changes and revisions and notes in the margins that I can't even figure out what the plan says. If you're out driving, and you see one of those neon signs and you think it's an answer to my question, let me know, okay?

That "Christmas is coming" feeling

I've got that strange feeling in my stomach - the fluttery, jumpy sensation that I used to get as a kid when I couldn't wait to see what Santa would bring me. My whole body feels jittery, and not just from the pain meds I'm still taking. So many things are about to change - good things, for the most part - and I feel as though I'm on the brink of something new and different.

Hubs is graduating with his MBA tonight. After 18 long months, he's finished. He's been so busy, reading, working on projects, writing papers, that it seems almost like he's been traveling and has just come home again. There are so many things I want to do that have been put off for the last year and a half. Places I want to go as a family. Projects I want us to do together. Time spent together in the kitchen, cooking and baking delicious things. And now that he's finally finished, now that he will have a little more time for us and a little less stress, it's like I don't know or remember what I wanted to do. If I'm being honest, I've really resented his absences and his lack of time and attention to our family for all of these months, and now that he's (theoretically) back, I don't know how to handle it. The kids and I have developed routines and practices that will have to be adjusted to include him, and, well, I'm bossy and stubborn, so that might be a little harder for me than it sounds on the surface.

Beyond that, our little Big Girl is beginning kindergarten next week. I can't believe that's she's old enough for that. I'm sick with worry that she might encounter bullies and/or mean girls again this year. The thought of her at school all day, while I'm on the other side town, brings me to tears. She's confident and excited and eager for school to start, so I'm trying not to let my unsteady emotional state affect her.

Three will be in preschool again. He'll still be nearby, in the preschool at the church where I work. He's a little jealous of his big sister who has plans to ride the school bus to her new school, but I'm relieved that I'll at least have him close to me for a couple of years yet. Plus he's a little more sociable and outgoing, so I haven't had the same concerns with him. Big Girl has some of my nervousness and unease about large groups of kids her age - I always do better with one-on-one situations when it comes to making friends. I try not to read too much of myself into her life, because I think that could get dangerous. But at the same time, I don't want her to have the difficulties, the painful experiences of feeling like an outsider that still plague me today.

On a positive note, I'm almost finished with the kidney stone business. The pain and the difficulty getting anyone to treat them have taken a toll on me. I'm prone to being a slacker anyway - I'd rather read books than get the house in order almost any day - so the disorder in my house has grown into full-fledged chaos in the last five months. I feel as though I've lost so much enthusiasm and interest at home and at work. I just hope I can figure out a way to revive the drive I used to have. I've been thinking that writing more regularly here may help in that regard - to give me some accountability.

I've been very, very slack.

I haven't blogged much since 2009 began, and not at all since early March. I have plenty of excuses, of course, but the general reason is: life got busy. I'm sure that happens to everyone. I try to make time to read the blogs I enjoy on a regular basis, but I never have enough time to do everything.

Since my last post, I've had a birthday, and Two is now Three. And when I say Three, I mean acting Three, stubborn Three, I-can-do-it-myself Three, funny Three, practical joking Three. I don't think he's a changeling, but he has changed markedly since becoming officially Three.

My Big Girl continues to amaze me with her intelligence and sensitivity. She's getting ready for a ballerina party to celebrate her birthday, and she's been telling anyone and everyone who will listen about her upcoming fifth birthday. I'm in disbelief, but she really will start kindergarten in the fall, and she is excited! I think that going to a new school and making new friends will be wonderfully beneficial for her - the preschool that she and her brother attend has many benefits, but it's small and private. I know she'll learn much from the greater diversity in classmates, teachers, and experiences next year.

I've been plagued by a mystery illness/condition for over six weeks now. Doctors initially thought my pain was due to a kidney stone, since I've had them in the past, but now are unsure and are testing for other possibilities. This has slowed me down, and put me in a truly foul mood at times, but I'm trying to remain upbeat. The opportunity to rest and spend time with the kids this week, while they are on spring break, has been a delightful break for me as well.

I'm going to do some reading on small-scale gardening now - I'll come back and share what I find, in case you're interested too.

A little overwhelming

Hubs is leaving for an extended trip on Thursday. He'll be in China for 10 days, touring around with a group from his grad school cohort. I'm so excited for him, and I really hope he'll make the most of this opportunity to learn and see and question. But I'm also a little overwhelmed with the prospect of being the solo parent for so long. Fortunately, I have family nearby, so in a pinch I have help available. But for all of my whining and complaining about how Hubs needs to help more around the house and with the kids, the truth is he already does a good bit. Sure, he's busy with classwork and work-work in the evenings and on the weekends, but he's here, to listen to me when I need a friendly ear. He has my back, even when he has a lot of other obligations (and thank goodness he's only a few months away from finishing that MBA). But I think that I'll be a little overwhelmed, as well as a little lonely, while he's away. I'll be praying for lots and lots of patience, because Big Girl and Two certainly know how to exhaust my pitifully short supply some days...

Thoughts, in no particular order

1. Kids sure are germy. I really didn't need to catch this bug from Big Girl. I've been miserably congested, snotty, coughing, bleh for days...

2. Two is now attempting to exploit his drippy nose, even though he's mostly better, as an excuse to skip school. The kid's only two. He told me he needed to stay home today because he was too sick to go to school. He really just wanted to watch Bob the Builder and eat fruit snacks.

3. Why, exactly, is Big Girl such a whiner about getting water in her eyes while bathing? Not soap - just water! It annoys me a little, although I'm trying my best to be patient and help her work through it.

4. Two LOVES baths, and showers, but only the playing in the water part. He doesn't actually want to be soaped up and cleaned. And he whines when it's over and he has to get out.

5. I got a lot of stuff at the Walmart this morning, stuff we needed. And yet there's still no food in the house. Well, nothing quick and easy. If I wanted to soak some dried beans and make a soup from scratch, we'd be set...

6. Hubs' car is paid off! Yay! We're making some progress, although at times it seems more like treading water.

7. Some days I fear that my children have inherited some of my worst qualities. But then they do sweet things and surprise me, and I don't worry so much.

8. Tissue manufacturers have a pretty good racket on their hands. We're going through lots o' boxes around here. Even with the tissue boxes placed out of kid reach, so they can't be as wasteful and playful with them as they wish...

9. When they were younger, both Big Girl and Two had more adventurous palates. I miss that. I bet they would both shun Indian food now, whereas Big Girl ate everything we got her from the buffet at our favorite restaurant back in NC.

10. I'm really slack sometimes. I still haven't mailed a gift to a friend that I meant to mail over a month ago. It's boxed up by the front door and has been sitting there for over a week.

A series of quick thoughts:

I wish I had the space, setting, and mental energy to grow a garden. Not going to happen this year, but I can dream.

I have too much crap in my house. Every day I find more and more, and I don't need so much of it.

People who don't turn on their headlights when it starts to get dark - particularly the ones who drive dark cars - scare me. I get really unnerved when I realize there's a car there and I can barely see it.

In a related note, I'm sometimes one of those annoying people who will flash her headlights on and off to try to tell approaching cars that they need to turn on their headlights.

My dogs are wrestling on the back deck again. Do they do this all the time, or do they wait until it's quiet enough for me to hear them out there making a racket?

I also wish I had a good spot for a large chest deep freezer, in which I could keep the produce from my imagined garden, along with smaller portions of soups and stews to heat and eat for weeknight meals.

Green/red/yellow bell peppers are over-used in prepared foods, particularly the frozen stuff like skillet meals. They don't taste that good, just strong, plus they make me sick to my stomach. And I hate having to study the ingredients list to see if they're in a product before I buy it. I've learned not to rely upon the picture of the meal on the packaging.

Hubs and I bought a Dyson early in our marriage, and it continues to serve us well (knock on wood). It's parked in this room at present. It's not the special pet-fur model but it still did a decent job with dog fur back when we had indoor dogs.

This colder weather is making me get really dry, itchy skin. Yuck.

My daughter's recent decision not to eat tater tots, french fries, and the like puzzles me. I wondered where she got it from. She used to eat these delicious potato products and love them. Almost as much as her brother, who would subsist on Sonic tater tots and fruit juice alone if permitted.

Hubs got me a label maker for Valentine's Day and I love it. I mentioned this at work today and got some weird looks, but I think it's one of the best gifts he's given me in years.

I wonder what I should start calling Two on this blog after he turns three in April... I could still call him Two, since he's the second in birth order, but would that be confusing?

Speaking of birth order - I've read several studies and articles discussing the impact of birth order on a child's development, and I think it's really interesting. I watch for signs of the influence of birth order in my own kids, and I can definitely see some of it at work in Hubs' family. Alas, I am an only child, but that has its influence as well.

Late night ramblings

It's late. I'm awake, can't sleep. I've been watching tv but got tired of it - I can only watch for so long before my eyes get all funky and dried out. My sweet Big Girl has kindly shared her germs, and my throat's bugging me. Plus my ears itch, deep inside my ears close to my throat - do you ever get that? Drives me nuts.

It rained a lot today. So the kids spent too much time indoors, cooped up, slightly hyper. Hopefully I can take them out for some fresh air tomorrow.

I'm loving PaperbackSwap again - I have several books to mail off in the morning, and then soon I'll get the credits to request more books to read. Not sure what I'll request next - so many books, it's hard to decide. I have an extensive list, which keeps growing longer and longer, of books I want to read over at goodreads. And, well, honestly I have plenty of books I could read here in my house - but that won't stop me from requesting more to add to my to-read collection. I've been indulging in a lot of fantasy, sci-fi-type stuff lately, which is fun and engaging without being too demanding (in the way that I can't help myself when I read works by authors I studied seriously in grad school), and I've been working through a few behavioral-type books dealing with kids and relationships, too. Any books I shouldn't miss? Let me know in the comments.

I watched Hanging Up earlier today - I DVRed it when it was on a few days back - and was reminded, through the relationship between Meg Ryan's character and her father, played by Walter Matthau (love him), that you can't make people be who you want or need them to be. No matter how desperately you wish a relationship or a person were something better, or more meaningful, or supportive, whatever, you cannot force other people to be who you want them to be, or who you think they should be. I know this is true, of course, but sometimes it's still incredibly frustrating. The movie's cheesy. Decent casting, but a somewhat frivolous plot that was resolved a little too neatly, and yet it still made me tear up. I'm an easy crier. Anyway, I've been reminding myself frequently of late, in the middle of frustrations, that I can only control myself. It's hard for me to make peace with that concept.

Near-misses

I've been poking around on Facebook, as I do far more frequently than the Hubs would like (he makes remarks about how the house would look if I channeled time and energy into cleaning it). And I've been thinking a bit about people I've known, but not as well as I wish I had. I don't have a lot of good friends in my current locale, and I've been thinking about some of the great people I know who are just too far away at present. Not just the dear friends I miss, but the ones I would love to spend time with, get to know, that kind of thing - the ones I wish I had spent more time with when we were closer in space.

I'm not great with developing friendships. I'm kind of shy and awkward sometimes, and so I often find myself in the position of thinking that someone seems really interesting, like someone I should know better - and yet I never get to know that person better. Meh. I should take a closer look, however, for the people here who are interesting, since I can be fairly certain that, if I were elsewhere, I would find people *here* that I should have gotten to know better.

I love Boston Legal

and hate that ABC canceled it. Just a thought.

to quote James Spader.

I'm back.

I've decided that this year I'm going to go with the traditional advice of "write what you know." After all, this is my blog, and I know some things, so I don't need to try to take on some mammoth project with it. I can just write about things that interest me, things that I want to share with others - and maybe you'll find the topics I write about interesting as well. So be prepared for some rambling, stream-of-consciousness writing about books, movies, television, my kids, my husband, books, my job, my other job, books, kid stuff, coffee, books, and maybe some other stuff. I may make a better effort to share stuff I like on other blogs. And don't be too surprised if I disappear for a while on some sort of existentialist quest to determine direction in my life, from time to time. I seem to be doing that a lot. But I came back, see? To the few of you who haven't forgotten about this blog, HI!!!

Happy New Year!

Wishing you many blessings and much happiness in 2009 - I hope you have a wonderful new year!

Taking a bit of a break

I'm taking a short break from blogging to spend time with family and think about the direction(s) I want to take this blog in during the new year. I'll be back in a few days!

New Resolution

More of this, and less of that deliciously sinful fudge. I'm going to get serious about exercising and getting back in shape again. Yes, I'm doing this now, three days before Christmas and all of its associated gluttony. ;)

Baby Fever

I think I have a mild-to-moderate case of baby fever. Big Girl asked for a baby sister for Christmas, and I thought, "Oh. That's not a bad idea." And then I just watched a video that one of my college roommates posted online, of her daughter rolling over for the first time, and with that the baby fever really kicked in. On an intellectual level, I know that I get incredibly sick when I'm pregnant, and I feel nauseated and wretched for the entire nine months, and yet... babies! So cute! So sweet! And I've thought for a long time that our family isn't necessarily complete at this point. With everything going on in our lives right now, the timing isn't good at all, so I guess I'll tuck this away and revisit the idea in a few months. And I'll try to keep my baby fever to myself, at least for a little while.

On a related note: I wonder if men every really get baby fever in the way that women do? Hubs didn't really get interested in the kids until they started interacting with him. Before that, he cared for them and spent time with them, but once they started to give back in terms of attention, conversation, etc. - he was hooked. That's when they became really cool to him, in ways that I hadn't observed before.

Seriously, for a minute -

I'm scheduled to have surgery for my sinus woes on Friday, and the date of doom is rapidly approaching. I've tried not to think about it too much, because I'm kind of a wimp. And when I don't feel good, I'm rather worthless and whiny. I know that this surgery and the subsequent recovery will bring with it a good bit of the worthless whining wimpitude. Wimpiness isn't attractive on most people, including me.

Fortunately Hubs helps to distract me by talking about how much housework I could do "ahead of time" - because that's a direct relationship, isn't it? Can't have surgery with a dirty house, now, can I? He also reminds me regularly that he won't be around to help me at certain times, so I'll need to figure out workarounds for changing diapers and other tasks which would ordinarily require a bit of lifting. No lifting more than 15 pounds during my recovery - so Two will have to bring his little step stool around the house and get himself to any heights. I have a vague sense that I may regret encouraging a do-it-yourself climbing practice later on.

The main idea that keeps sticking in my brain, when I move past the hesitancy, is how fortunate I am, to have health insurance to reduce the cost of my surgery, to have access to a friendly doctor who will perform the procedure, to have parents to care for me and my children later in the day. The kids will even have a sleepover at their grandparents' house the first night post-op, so I can rest and recover in a quieter environment at home. I keep coming back to the unbelievable expense involved in this surgery. I would never have it if I didn't have insurance. I feel guilty knowing that we'll be paying for this procedure in monthly installments for some time to come. And yet I dream of feeling much better than I have in months, of relief from sinus pressure and misery, of freedom from knowing every cold will become an infection. This isn't a major life-or-death procedure. It's largely a quality of life concern, and one that many people likely cannot consider due to problems with cost and access.

My qualms about the current status of our medical system are considerable. I am a former child of privilege, now a woman of privilege, in comparison to so many. If I get sick, I go to the doctor, and I'm outraged to think that some people have to decide between medical care and food, or medicine and basic living expenses. I know this is often a problem for elderly individuals on fixed incomes, and yet the problem is so much more widespread. I catch glimpses of it from women who write on parenting boards and blogs I follow. I don't know what to do about the unbelievable impediments to proper medical care faced by so many people in this supposedly-privileged country. I'm not an expert. But my worries about being a whiner and dealing with housework before surgery pale in comparison. I hope whoever we elect tomorrow (you know my choice) comes up with some viable solutions and implements them, asap.

Political Paraphenalia

Do you wear buttons to support your favorite candidate? Put bumper stickers or magnets on your car? Put yard signs by the road in front of your house?

It's really interesting to me to see who puts out signs or labels their cars in my hometown. A lot of people here just don't do that, no matter what their political leanings. My parents, for example: I can't imagine them ever making their political choices public in that fashion, although they will discuss their thoughts on politics with me. They're not the types, however, to introduce politics into a discussion with friends or bring up an election at a social gathering.

I was raised by these people, and yet in college I plastered my old used Volvo with politically-inspired stickers. I think part of it was a recognition that my views differed strongly from those of most of my fellow students. I attended a rather conservative school, where I was part of the liberal minority. This experience was not unlike living in my hometown, which is located in the heart of red-state territory in the south. I don't start arguments or confront people, however, when I find that my views differ from theirs. I think it's part of my "genteel" upbringing: talking about politics too much has always seemed a little rude to me, at least when it leads to an ideological clash.

In grad school, I was in the middle of a liberal haven, and on a certain level, I loved being in a place where many of the local officials shared my views and predelictions. It always felt a little odd, however. I wasn't used to being a part of the political majority, and I sometimes even felt oddly conservative in comparison to others, if that makes any sense. Perhaps it was my openness to accepting others' viewpoints, and living harmoniously with others who disagree with me? While I often agreed with the views of those around me, I sometimes found in some of them a bias toward others who disagreed with them. To be fair, I often found this same bias in my conservative friends and classmates in college. Perhaps the best way to describe it is an incredulity, an inability to believe that anyone who disagreed with their position could be intelligent, thoughtful, worthy of respect and acceptance. I suppose some people might see that as a flaw in me, my desire to be tolerant of other views to the point that I rarely fight for my position and challenge others with any sense of vehemence.

Anyway, this leads me back to my topic. I don't have any signs or stickers or magnets. I've been very tempted to put up a sign, to put a magnet on my van, but I haven't, because Hubs asked me not to do it. And he agreed not to label his car or put up any of his signs - which would not feature the same candidate's name - in return. Oh, I have been so tempted, particularly since signs for my candidate are rare in this town. On my parents' street, I've seen five signs for the "old white dude" and only one for Obama. And I was surprised to see that one. I asked the woman who lives there why she decided to put the sign in her yard, and she said she, like me, wasn't one to put out political signs in most cases. But she had seen so many McCain signs around town, and so few Obama signs, that she felt like potential Obama voters might feel like there was no need to vote, as if they were so outnumbered that it didn't matter. So she put out a sign to let them know they weren't alone, to keep the faith in our very red town.

And that's when I really wanted to put out a sign, too. But I didn't. No need to start that fight with Hubs. I've been trying to avoid politics entirely in our discussions, because he keeps trying to show me the error of my ways. You would think that he would know better after eight years of marriage, but apparently not. No, I won't put out a sign or put a magnet on my car to counter all of the stickers I see on cars around town, but I'll put my choice out here, on my blog, in my own indirect way. Hubs never reads what I write here anyway.

Pears and Apples, Oh My!

Big Girl and I went to the grocery store this afternoon, and I discovered that Gala apples and pears were both on sale. So I came home with a big bag of each, and now I have to figure out what to do with them. I just made two apple pies, one of which Hubs took to our delightful neighbors - we love to share food back and forth with them - so I could make another pie, considering how quickly Hubs is devouring the remaining pie. I would love to try my hand at some apple bread, like the deliciously sweet stuff they sell at orchard shops in the mountains east of here. I think I may try a tart of some kind with some of the pears. Mmmm. I'm getting hungry just thinking of the possibilities.

I've been tempted to make some apple butter. It would be a huge undertaking but I love it. Hubs' family used to make it when he was younger, before we were married, when they still lived on their farm in Virginia. It was delicious just spread on warm bread, and I was so sad to see the last jar go, since I knew the chances of them making any more were so slim.

If I had a support staff, I would do so many more things in the kitchen. The main factors that deter me are having children underfoot, having too little room on counters, and getting a backache from standing up to peel or chop fruit and/or vegetables.

Like there was ever any doubt...

You Are 12% Republican

If you have anything in common with the Republican party, it's by sheer chance. You're a staunch liberal, and nothing is going to change that!

How Republican Are You?

You Are 72% Democrat

You have a good deal of donkey running through your blood, and you're proud to be liberal. You don't fit every Democrat stereotype, but you definitely belong in the Democrat party.

How Democrat Are You?

Conversation, overheard

Hubs: Why did you do that, Big Girl?
Big Girl pauses, then says: Yes?
Hubs: Yes isn't an answer to Why. I asked you why.
Big Girl: No?

Hubs, Facebook, and Existentialist Questions

Hubs signed up for Facebook well before me, but I think he's finally hooked now, this weekend, after I pestered him to sign in and check out the flair I sent him. I've been sick with this ridiculous sinus infection for over a week now, so I've spent too much time messing around with Facebook and finding every possible feature with which to amuse myself. This includes too much time playing that addictive Word Challenge, making and sending flair, sending virtual beer/coffee/flowers, and posting a lot of family photos. I also stalked down a couple of cousins and added them as friends and checked out Causes, which is a pretty neat tool to raise awareness for non-profits. I've been sending invitations this week to tell more people about Rivers of the World...

A few weeks ago, Ben Mathes, the president of Rivers of the World, preached the sermon at my church. Ben is also an ordained Presbyterian minister, and his message that Sunday about being led to do Christ's work, particularly in ways that you don't always expect or that don't fit with the way you perceive yourself, really connected with me. The work that he does through and with Rivers of the World is truly amazing. The organization works with populations that live in river basins all over the world on projects to help them, in a respectful and productive approach that targets the needs of that population and location. With all of the questions and worries I've had over the past months about the direction my life will take from here, and with the way that I've been searching for guidance about where my skills and gifts can be used best - teaching college kids? working with kids at church? being a mom? - Ben's message encouraged me to worry less and just go with it. I'm not a particularly outgoing person, and particularly not so when it comes to discussing my faith, but I am trying to get better about turning over control and recognizing that I don't have to have all the answers and know the plan for rest of my life. I can do the work that I am doing now - and I find so much of it very fulfilling - and if I am led in another direction, then I can make a change later.

Anyway, I'm wandering far away from the point where this post began, but I do feel strongly about the concept of being led, of learning to relinquish some control (in a sensible, thoughtful way) and maybe listen more carefully for a call, or a nudge, to where I should be at any given time. And I think that so much of the work that Rivers of the World takes people out of their typical lives and lets them go to another place and use their unique gifts and skills to help others. I want to be able to do that, somehow. Maybe in a river basin in another country at some point, but for now, just here, in this town that sometimes drives me crazy, I want to feel like I'm doing something meaningful and productive that I enjoy and that somehow helps other people too. So I'll keep mulling over that in my worrying fashion but try not to get too stressed about it. Yeah, like that will be easy.