Why am I being so vague?

I'm not sure why I'm being vague about the details of my new job here. I'm doing children's ministry work at my church. It's a big change for me - I've always taught really big kids (and some adults, but not all college students are adults ;) . Now I'm going to be working with wee folk at the new job. I'm really excited about this, because I love spending time with my kids and helping out with their activities at church, and now I think I'll just feel more invested - plus how many jobs really let you take your kids to work this way? I'll be doing a lot of coordinating, really - lining up volunteers to do a lot of the teaching and supervision stuff, plus doing some of that myself.

Today was good, although I can't say I accomplished anything momentous on my first day on the job. I spent the morning learning how the copier works, trying to organize my office (I get an office, a real office, and it's fabulous) and get all of the items that were stored in there out of the way. The office is still in need of a lot of attention, and all of the files and books that were left behind by the previous occupants were in disarray. The job I have has been held by many people for brief tenures over the years. I hope I'll be the one to break that trend - a lot of people have apparently taken the job until something better came along, something full-time or with better perks I guess.

Although for me, having an office with all of the books and office supplies and a computer is a big perk, and being able to hang out with kids is a pretty sweet job. I guess all people don't share my strange passion for office supplies. But when I teach, to any group of whatever age, it's a great high for me to feel like I'm making connections and I'm learning and they're learning. I hope and dream that working at the church will have plenty of those rewarding moments to feed and sustain me, and that I'll actually be a positive force in these kids' lives. When I start thinking about the possibilities and the ideas my mind just starts racing, and it's hard to keep focused because there's so much going on in my head.

I don't know what this job, and its possibilities, mean for me on a longterm basis. I can't figure out if I will finish my dissertation. It's an odd beast. I love being a student, and I love teaching, but I have to force myself to write about literature. I could talk all day, and I love reading groups, but it's hard to force myself and I have no willpower on a broader scale when it comes to doing things I don't enjoy. I know that I would enjoy being finished with the stupid thing, but I can come up with a million different tasks to do instead of it. After all, I've been procrastinating for years about it. My daughter will be four soon, and I (should have) started on it before she was born.

I don't know what to do with my life. How old am I, and I still can't figure out what to be, even though I've been grown up for years? Anyway, I guess I need to figure out if I'm going to finish with the dissertation and get the PhD, just to have it, because I hate to think that I've wasted so many years working on it not to finish it (but then part of me thinks - if I have learned and grown through the work, isn't that a reward too?). I know I would disappoint my parents, and probably Hubs, and other people if I dropped the PhD. The question I can't answer yet is, would I disappoint myself?