Ummm, yeah. I'm still around.

As usual at this time of year, my life has devolved into an exhausting series of chaotic activities. I finished with grading finals and papers, turned in my final grades, and all of that jazz earlier this week. I even had to turn in my office and building keys - as happened last spring, I don't have a teaching assignment lined up for next term, and while I may be called in at the last moment, there's no guarantee. So they'll take up my key and send it back to wherever keys go for the next three or four weeks, so that, if they decide to call me back to teach next term, I will then have to wait at least a month to get keys again. It would seem sensible to have me keep the keys until classes start again in January, and then return them if I won't need them, but no. I jump through the hoops of higher ed bureaucracy like a good trained pup.

The kids are abuzz with various holiday parties and activities. Big Girl danced beautifully last weekend in The Nutcracker - her first performance in it. I was rather surprised by how nostalgic and sentimental I felt seeing my girl dance in the same ballet that I once performed. And yes, most of the choreography is virtually unchanged from the steps set on me and my peers so many years ago in the first local performance. When I heard the music for the roles I danced then, I felt my feet and arms respond instinctively with the appropriate gestures and movements. It's been sixteen years, but I still remember (although I know my pregnant, out of shape body would look ridiculous if I actually attempted to do the steps, and I don't even want to think about how impossible it would be to dance on pointe now).

Big Girl and I also got to ride in the local Christmas parade, on a float with her scout troup, earlier this month. It was extremely cold but fun. As the sole pregnant parent among the adults there to supervise and accompany the kids, I got to ride on the float while the other parents walked along beside it and tossed candy to the kids watching the parade. Three and his granddaddy watched the parade, and both Three and his sister were THRILLED to see Santa riding on a fire truck at the end of the parade. Well, almost the end. The horses came last, because, well, who really wants to walk or drive behind them? Aside from a cleaning crew, perhaps. I couldn't believe how excited the kids got about Santa. My boy is still talking about Santa on the fire truck, and I expect that he will question the jolly guy about it if we go to see Santa at the mall.

Commercialism has reached Big Girl. Sigh. She's always wanted great toys - fun kid stuff, that requires imagination or active play - but thanks to the influence of her school peers, she's asking for a DS and a remote control car for Christmas. Both things are completely out of character - I know it's just a matter of hearing the kids at school discuss such things. Unfortunately Santa plans to give her things she will actually enjoy, as opposed to those other beyond-his-budget-and-likely-less-fun-for-her-anyway items.

My boy, fortunately, remains blissfully unaware, and his wish list this year is the same as last: tractors. Since he already owns almost every John Deere toy tractor that I can find in this town, I've had to get a bit creative with him, but hopefully he will still be pleased.

And the bebe? The one moving around in the womb while I type? I should find out whether said baby is a he or a she next month. I am so excited to find out! And then, of course, I'll be able to obsess about baby clothes and accessories and gear - but I'm trying to wait until after Christmas.

This explains why my kids are geniuses... ;)

Morning Sickness Tied to Higher Child IQ

Oh, am I sick. I'd say "sick as a dog," only I think my dogs are feeling much better than I am right now. I'm on meds to help with the nausea, fortunately. And that memory of how sick and miserable I felt during the first trimesters of my previous pregnancies, the memory that faded in the delight of cute little babies that followed? Oh, yes. I remember it well.

By now many of the adults in my life know. Still haven't told the kids. Hubs and I think we'll tell them after the ultrasound early next week. They're both notoriously impatient (wonder where they get that?!), so I know the "when will you have the baby" questions will start in short order. That's okay. My girl will also probably think that her Christmas wish for the last 2-3 years is finally coming true. She's been asking for a baby sister (I think she'd be happy with a baby brother too - she's baby-crazy). And Three? I see a wee bit o' jealousy in his future, because he still likes to crawl in my lap and be my baby sometimes. He won't like it when the occupant starts expanding the womb into his lap territory. He's a sweet boy, though, so I don't have any long term worries.

I think I'll go eat something cheesy. Sounds good about now.

Boots.

I have a serious weakness for boots. I love them. Casual boots, fancy boots, no heel, low heel, even higher heel (but I never get too crazy with heels). Pointy toe, squared toe, rounded toe. Almost any color (but not light-up boots - I save those for my daughter). And today? I got a new pair of hiking/work boots. They're not sexy, but they're comfortable and have a great weight to them. And of course, my sweet kids got boots too.

Three got another pair of John Deere boots, naturally. Same style as last year - I'm just glad the store still had them! Once he tried them on, he wouldn't take them off, so he wore those boots for the rest of the day (except a brief period in socks so he could play on the inflatables at a birthday party, but he returned to check on his new boots even then).

Big Girl got a pair of light-up boots, no joke. They're really cute, black with some dark pink accents, and she loves them. I'll post pictures, naturally. I admit, I scoffed at light-up shoes a little before I had a little girl who just loves them. They make her delightfully happy, and they're harmless, so I've changed my tune completely on the light-up shoes (but I have not, and will not, change my views on Heelys - they're atrocious). I don't know that I would encourage her to wear light-ups to church services, but for more casual attire they're fun.

I also saw the most divine soft brown boots, tall ones with a slight heel, rounded toe. The leather was so soft to the touch, and they were just beautiful. I did not try them on. I knew better. They were on sale - at the discount shoe place where I love to shop for shoes - for nearly $300. Oh, they were amazing. Even the kids knew they were special. Big Girl's the one who spotted them first and pointed them out to me, and then her brother spent a while petting them. Yes, these shoes were pet-ably soft. Even Hubs oohed over them.

This shoe store is located in another city a few miles north of ours, and I can remember going there as a kid with my parents. It's crowded with shoes of all kinds, all sizes, floor-to-ceiling with narrow aisles in many places. It's like a maze constructed of shoe boxes. Three likes to race around in there, and I have to hurry to keep up with him as he weaves through tight spaces and around slim corners. I think they have almost any shoe - any style, color, size - you could want there. I could become a serious rival to Imelda Marcos if you let me loose in there.

Very valuable message

BTS Bulletin

Big Girl loves school. Loves everything about it. Loves getting up early to catch the bus. Loves her teacher. Loves eating lunch in the cafeteria. Loves the playground. Comes home every day full of stories. I wonder if she'll be as eager to tell me about her day a decade from now? Her excitement is contagious and adorable.

Three started back today, a good distraction because he's missed his sister. My sweet boy was somewhat reluctant, but had fun once he got there and saw his buddies. I'm glad to still have him nearby, in the preschool so close to my office. I can peek in and see what he's doing when I walk by.

This really seems far too early for school to resume. Big Girl last week, Three today. Summer was just too short. I never got to do half the things I planned. And we didn't go swimming nearly as often as I wished, partially because of my surgeries and health issues.

Much of the garden is dying off now. The bird house gourds are trying to take over, and there are numerous big promising gourds. The tomatoes are still plentiful, and the peppers too, but the corn didn't fare well. A good first harvest, but then too much rain undermined the second round. The cantaloupe was a flop. The beans were just weird. I think the seed package was mislabeled, because they were not purple hull peas. A few cute watermelons, yet to be harvested, don't seem quite ready. What on earth am I going to do with all of these peppers?

Tears are already welling up

and Big Girl's first day of kindergarten isn't until Friday. I'm trying really hard not to get all weepy in front of her. Not easy. I'm not dealing well with her pending shift to Real Big Girl Who Goes to Elementary School. She's still my baby, and I am not ready for her to grow up. The site of her in her adorable new pink and silver backpack? Shopping for her school supplies? Not handling that so well.

She's excited, very excited, my little No Fear kid. She can't wait to start school and has been talking about it for months. She can't wait to meet her teacher on Wednesday. She was wide-eyed and gleeful when we visited her school last spring. She wants to ride the bus. On the first day. (Her dad was unbelievably in favor of this plan but I told him that she would be traveling to school in my car on that day, at least.)

And Three? Jealous. Wants to do everything his big sis does. Wants to ride the bus and go to the big school. Can't wait until it's his turn. Although, ironically, this desire to do everything she does doesn't extend to wearing big kid underwear instead of pull-ups. But I've explained to him that the big kid underwear is required now. Diapers may be the only exception to my reluctance to see my children grow up so fast.

That "Christmas is coming" feeling

I've got that strange feeling in my stomach - the fluttery, jumpy sensation that I used to get as a kid when I couldn't wait to see what Santa would bring me. My whole body feels jittery, and not just from the pain meds I'm still taking. So many things are about to change - good things, for the most part - and I feel as though I'm on the brink of something new and different.

Hubs is graduating with his MBA tonight. After 18 long months, he's finished. He's been so busy, reading, working on projects, writing papers, that it seems almost like he's been traveling and has just come home again. There are so many things I want to do that have been put off for the last year and a half. Places I want to go as a family. Projects I want us to do together. Time spent together in the kitchen, cooking and baking delicious things. And now that he's finally finished, now that he will have a little more time for us and a little less stress, it's like I don't know or remember what I wanted to do. If I'm being honest, I've really resented his absences and his lack of time and attention to our family for all of these months, and now that he's (theoretically) back, I don't know how to handle it. The kids and I have developed routines and practices that will have to be adjusted to include him, and, well, I'm bossy and stubborn, so that might be a little harder for me than it sounds on the surface.

Beyond that, our little Big Girl is beginning kindergarten next week. I can't believe that's she's old enough for that. I'm sick with worry that she might encounter bullies and/or mean girls again this year. The thought of her at school all day, while I'm on the other side town, brings me to tears. She's confident and excited and eager for school to start, so I'm trying not to let my unsteady emotional state affect her.

Three will be in preschool again. He'll still be nearby, in the preschool at the church where I work. He's a little jealous of his big sister who has plans to ride the school bus to her new school, but I'm relieved that I'll at least have him close to me for a couple of years yet. Plus he's a little more sociable and outgoing, so I haven't had the same concerns with him. Big Girl has some of my nervousness and unease about large groups of kids her age - I always do better with one-on-one situations when it comes to making friends. I try not to read too much of myself into her life, because I think that could get dangerous. But at the same time, I don't want her to have the difficulties, the painful experiences of feeling like an outsider that still plague me today.

On a positive note, I'm almost finished with the kidney stone business. The pain and the difficulty getting anyone to treat them have taken a toll on me. I'm prone to being a slacker anyway - I'd rather read books than get the house in order almost any day - so the disorder in my house has grown into full-fledged chaos in the last five months. I feel as though I've lost so much enthusiasm and interest at home and at work. I just hope I can figure out a way to revive the drive I used to have. I've been thinking that writing more regularly here may help in that regard - to give me some accountability.

Big Boy Bed

Unfortunately it's not nearly as effective at trapping the boy in his room until a more respectable wake-up time. He sweetly greeted me at 5 am. He wanted to snuggle. After rolling on me and elbowing me a few times, he said he wanted to snuggle in *his* bed. So I moved into his room, where he continued to elbow me, poke me, pet my hair, and (loudly) whisper all of his thoughts in my ear. Most frequent comment? "Mommy, what are you doing?" Like he couldn't tell that I was just trying to catch a little more sleep. I'm really a grouch when I want more sleep.

Gardening!

The kids and I planted a few rows in the garden at my grandmother's house on Thursday afternoon. Pumpkins, gourds (the kind that make good bird houses), squash (yellow and zucchini), corn, watermelons, cantaloupe, purple hull beans, and sunflowers from seeds, plus small tomato and pepper plants. The kids had lots of fun and were very eager to help - hopefully that interest will continue throughout the summer. I can't wait to see some of the seeds sprouting and growing. It's raining this evening, so hopefully a little rain will kick-start the process. And I'm looking forward to spending fun time outside, with the kids, tending and picking from the garden - and visiting with my grandmother, who delights in visits from her great-grandchildren. Stay tuned for photos of the process, as the plants begin to grow and produce. For now, imagine a swath of tilled red clay. ;)

Itty bitty update

If the weather cooperates, I'll finally get some planting done tomorrow. My dad has offered to help me get the seeds in the ground, and hopefully the red clay that passes for soil here will be dry enough to use the tiller. It's been raining so much lately, without sufficient breaks for the ground to dry at all, that I've been waiting quite a while to get the seeds in the ground.

The mystery pain isn't resolved, isn't diagnosed, but does feel a bit better thanks to a change in medication. I have a new doctor - I really like her so far - and a plan of attack to eliminate possible causes until we find the right one.

To add more fun to the mix, I'm making serious efforts to potty train a certain stubborn, strong-willed three year old boy. He likes Spiderman underwear, but we may need to buy more pairs if he keeps going through them so quickly - hard to keep up with the laundry.

I've been very, very slack.

I haven't blogged much since 2009 began, and not at all since early March. I have plenty of excuses, of course, but the general reason is: life got busy. I'm sure that happens to everyone. I try to make time to read the blogs I enjoy on a regular basis, but I never have enough time to do everything.

Since my last post, I've had a birthday, and Two is now Three. And when I say Three, I mean acting Three, stubborn Three, I-can-do-it-myself Three, funny Three, practical joking Three. I don't think he's a changeling, but he has changed markedly since becoming officially Three.

My Big Girl continues to amaze me with her intelligence and sensitivity. She's getting ready for a ballerina party to celebrate her birthday, and she's been telling anyone and everyone who will listen about her upcoming fifth birthday. I'm in disbelief, but she really will start kindergarten in the fall, and she is excited! I think that going to a new school and making new friends will be wonderfully beneficial for her - the preschool that she and her brother attend has many benefits, but it's small and private. I know she'll learn much from the greater diversity in classmates, teachers, and experiences next year.

I've been plagued by a mystery illness/condition for over six weeks now. Doctors initially thought my pain was due to a kidney stone, since I've had them in the past, but now are unsure and are testing for other possibilities. This has slowed me down, and put me in a truly foul mood at times, but I'm trying to remain upbeat. The opportunity to rest and spend time with the kids this week, while they are on spring break, has been a delightful break for me as well.

I'm going to do some reading on small-scale gardening now - I'll come back and share what I find, in case you're interested too.